How i really feel

May 16, 2007- Wednesday
1:04 pm

I can’t believe I’m so not myself because of some guy who doesn’t seem to still know me, someone who doesn’t think of me, not for a minute, not a second. It’s really difficult, you know. It aches my heart to think of it, and worse to feel it. I just can’t believe he’s like gone in just one heartbeat.

I miss him. So much. Too much. I am always like this, and he’s not. We totally don’t feel the same. ‘Coz if we do, he’d take a step to talk to me, to tell me he’s fine, he’s still there but he didn’t, he doesn’t and maybe, he won’t. But it’s so hard. And I want to let go, give up, whatever the breaking free of your heart from the prison of pain and misery is called.

Gosh!!!! I hope I could really make it. I’m tired of all this. And if he really has those beautiful feelings for me, he’d tell me. I can’t wait forever, you know. I’m only human. I get tired. I get hurt. I get to be miserable. And I don’t want to come to a point where all I see and wish for is a guy who is too far away from me, who keeps me waiting, who possibly loves another, who maybe in another girl’s arms at this very minute. I don’t want to be too much of a martyr. I already am.

If I have to fall in love again, I will. And if he’s not the guy, I will be happy for who is for me. I love him, too much in fact but if pain and grief comes in return, I can handle it for a while but not too long. I also want to give myself a chance to love again. Be happily in-love again. With someone, else.

But if he is for me, I hope our paths, worlds, lives would meet eventually. I’d really be happy to know that. I’ve suffered too much that sometimes, I really think he is the guy for me. He should make his way to meet me. Right now, I just want him to love me back; I want him to say he wants to be with me. And I hope that if ever he comes to that realization, I am still there. Waiting.

Just not too long. Not too long.